"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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