There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
