it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
