How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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