I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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