he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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