Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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