with your own penis?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
