if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
