dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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