Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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