I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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