you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
