My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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