i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
