Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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