we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
