I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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