Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
