I cut my penus on the lid.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
