my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
