He disabled his match.com account in front of me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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