So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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