...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
