The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
