The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
