My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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