Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
