Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
