Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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