Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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