Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
