i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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