checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
