I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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