did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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