Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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