i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
