Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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