he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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