Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
