Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
