Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
