after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
