all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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