Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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