last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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