Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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