Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
