Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
