nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
