I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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