now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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