I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
