i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
