my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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