how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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