Umm I'm too high to move.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need a beard to bite.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
