so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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